I not too long ago blogged about my imaginative and prescient for grandparenting. With 16 grandchildren, I’d higher have a imaginative and prescient.
However I additionally higher have a way of tips on how to be a grandparent—and never simply to my grandchildren, but additionally tips on how to be a grandparent in relation to my grandchildren’s mother and father. Let’s state the apparent: the tensions surrounding grandparenting are usually not between the grandparent and the grandchild, however relatively between the grandparent and the father or mother(s) of that grandchild.
So listed below are 5 “grandparent-to-parent” errors to keep away from in any respect prices:
Mistake #1:
Treating Your Youngsters as Youngsters
Sure, they’re your kids. However no, they’re now not a baby. Don’t deal with them as one. They’re simply as grownup as you had been whenever you raised them. One in every of my grandchildren informed me, “You might be my mommy’s daddy, so you may inform her what to do!” Sure, I’m, however no, I can’t. Extra to the purpose, I shouldn’t even strive.
Mistake #2:
Complicated Assist with Interference
I don’t know of a single father or mother who wouldn’t recognize real assist with their kids. However there’s a distinction between serving to and interfering. Serving to is babysitting; interfering is telling them what they need to be doing. Serving to is providing to wash up; interfering is taking up the self-discipline of the kid. Serving to is all the time welcomed; interfering is all the time maddening. The excellence is that serving to is approaching somebody with a towel over your arm to serve in methods they each need and have to be served; interference is about management.
Mistake #3:
Undermining As a substitute of Reinforcing
In case your baby asks you to do issues a sure method, or deal with issues a sure method, or abide by sure guidelines, then do it. Too many grandparents purposefully do what they know the mother and father don’t want finished simply to be belligerent or to cling to how they assume issues needs to be finished. Your job is to strengthen what the mother and father are saying, educating, sustaining and practising. In the event that they don’t need them to look at one thing, don’t allow them to watch it. In the event that they don’t need them to eat one thing, don’t allow them to eat it. In the event that they inform a baby they’ll’t do one thing, don’t inform them they’ll. Reinforce, don’t undermine. This consists of upholding what the father or mother has requested for by way of security and safety. It doesn’t matter the way you parented—honor their needs. Your aim is to strengthen, not undermine.
However what if they are saying, “Don’t speak to them about God.” Then don’t. Inform them that you simply’ll have to present sincere solutions to sincere questions, and that you would be able to’t airbrush your religion out of your life, however agree to not undermine them. In the event you don’t, they may merely take away the kid out of your affect altogether, which might hold God utterly out of their lives. Merely reside your religion out authentically, and you’ll affect your grandchildren greater than you would think about. However in the event you actively undermine your baby, you’ll merely burn the relational bridge you might have together with your grandchild that may carry God into the image organically. You possibly can learn extra about this right here.
Mistake #4:
Failing to Settle for Modifications
In the case of parenting at the moment, two issues have modified because you parented. First, parenting types—which means the methods folks may be selecting to father or mother. Spanking might have been widespread to your era of parenting, however you could settle for that it may be unusual, if not frowned upon, at the moment. It’s not about whether or not that’s good or dangerous, proper or mistaken, simply that there could be adjustments in parenting types that you’ll want to each settle for and respect. A second change is the parenting context—which means the challenges mother and father are going through. Once I raised my 4 kids, I didn’t should cope with the web, a lot much less the iPhone. Most mother and father at the moment would inform you that expertise is their primary problem. We will need to have the humility to do not forget that we merely didn’t should face this problem and, consequently, may wish to be slower on the attract telling them how they need to deal with it.
Mistake #5:
Enjoying Favorites
First, the truth. There can be sure grandchildren you get pleasure from greater than others. Not love extra, however get pleasure from extra. They’re simpler for you, there’s pure chemistry, they reply stronger to you than others. However don’t let that floor. Deal with every grandchild with the identical care and concern. Give the identical degree of items, grant equal quantities of time and a spotlight. Grandparents can get careless with this dynamic, and it will possibly drive a wedge between you and the mother and father.
I like being Papa to my grandchildren, however the nature and depth of my relationship with these 16 valuable grandchildren is constructed on the character and depth of my relationship with their mother and father. So, let’s add one other mistake to our checklist,
… which might be forgetting simply that.
James Emery White
Sources
Dr. Perri Klass, “5 Frequent Errors Grandparents Make, In response to a Pediatrician,” The Washington Put up, November 17, 2025, learn on-line.
Paul and Diana Miller, A Information to Nice Grandparenting.
